dear dad

i understand that sometimes a person just wont be the right one for you
but it kills when that person is your own father doesnt, want, or even care get to know you
looks of hate and pain shot at me everytime im in his presence
i am his child, his blood, sweat and tears -
from his seed i arrived - from his neglect and distanced "love" i thrived
told myself i, his own daughter would become a better man than he ever was for me
strapping my chest tighter by the day, deeping my voice by the week, i dont even need the T
im fooling everyone wid this mask, in mirrors i dont even recognize myself
ive locked away my emotions and throw them on that feminine shelf
i know his inability to provide me with a father figure may hurt me in the long run
but in the meantime im doing just fine, my cries out to him turned into motivation
i closed that chapter a long time ago - every now and then it tries to repopen
when i hear my mother scream how im just like him
now im the one loving and leaving - hitting and beating - im destined to be lonely in the end
when i changed my name, seems like i lost my ability to connect with any women
living life as if im Gods Gift to a woman, hope in the end ..
fuck that, regardless of how many hoes i keep - i wont become him, nope not Justin
ive tried so hard to remove him from my mind
forgetting his blood still runs with mine

- 2/26/10