Wednesday, August 4, 2010

random .

based off of lies and lust
relationship quickly turned to dust
find myself constantly attempting to grab the broom again
maybe i missed a spot, is it possible for all of our love to fit in a shitty dustpan?

wale - the ambitious girl

self-explanatory . i think i've listened to it about 500 times today.

Monday, August 2, 2010

insomniatic dreams

what does one suffering from insomnia dream of
do they even bother saying goodnight or i love you
they are in what's see worst dream of them all, the ones you cant pinch to escape
lay awake til the wee hours, watching the sunshine through the darkest of drapes
one's dreams have been equated with those deepest goals and fantasies
were stripped of that definition, to still lie awake - are they ever pleased?
not knowing what dreams are made of, the places you can go
when asked what one wants to be:
[ shrugs ] hell if i know
toss and turn every night, haven't had a good night's rest
i dont mind just sitting up, nights without tears are the best
thoughts racing kilometers per second, while others dream in a land far away
fcuk a night terror, im being chased by be demons all day
sun welcomes them with warm arms, our encounters become cold at the moon
look at the clock, it will all be over soon
alarm sounds, wakes me from not a slumber, more a catnap
only to find myself in another emotional mishap
pinching my arms, hoping this just a dream with a dream
mom always said things aren't what they seem
could be my imagination, im lacking that creative side
shoulda have been drooling the sheets, instead they are a place i cried
alarm sounds, why do the best dreams seem to be the shortest ones
gotta try to start off where i left off, cant wait til when nightfall comes
only to find myself suffering from insomnia once more
i'm stuck in a nightmare when im awake, what i need to dream for ?

Monday, July 5, 2010


i think the only times i was on time were when things were going awry
i ws on time for every argumen, every fight - always knew how to make you cry
but i was always too late whe it came to the right things to do
didn't kiss you at the right moments to dry your eyes, even went to sleep without an "i love you"
let you suffer as a result of my seemingly intentional tardiness
me being so late has led to both of our's loneliness
because once i finally started to loveyou, ready for us - we were nowhere in sight
i had already forfeited and thrown in the towel, a boxer refusing to fight
now im out here on time for every bitch in the party
dressed to impress; why when it came to us did i have to be so tardy
should have set my alarm for the time to be better man for our sake
instead i pressed snooze, how many apologies could i really expect you to take?
now im sitting in this room, heart beating louder than that alarm
i set a new one, ready for the time that i cause you no harm
ill be on time for this one, even ironed my attire
sirens blasting, ill be there before you can even sense a fire
to patch every wound i made, take back every wrong i did, words i screamed
even if its not in real life anymore, i wanna again be the man of your dreams

Thursday, June 17, 2010

ode to the notebook

So the pen is mightier than the sword my Lord
Hov said , those lines hit me hard, sung the sweetest chord
Describing my love affair with a composition books, well actually books
I could write for hours despite my peers dirty looks
What good is that ? Who writes for fun anymore they would giggle and say
I'd just jot another poem or story, these personal works of art would free me one day
Of the invisible but destructive barricades and far-fetched hopes of a child confused
I cried in my notebook with tears of blue and black ink, I don't know who said band-aids heal the bruised
I'm writing so I'm living, that's why its permanent on my right arm
Same arm that reads strength holds my ink-filled sword, protects me from all harm
Every so often I open up one of the journals and let its words teleport me to the past
The passages hold so many stories, life-changing moments, emotions together like a makeshift cast
But instead of everyone signing it with corny jokes and a get well soon
I'm the only author, writing myself messages to get well soon
Some nights I gave up though, threw entries in the garbage - screaming fcuk em
Just to wake up rummaging through the trash, screaming I need em
I've come to realize this isn't a hobby or antidrug
Its how I connect with others, how I heal, no point in sweeping life under a rug
I let the pen take control, writing whatever is on or comes to mind
The day they bury, it aint gon be money that they find
A composition book - probably a damn collection
And the reader will be able to tell you all about me - the good, bad, and the ugly
For these books hold my life's reflection

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

she's here .

beautiful beyond measure, gentle, real - but these qualities are only in fantasies
aint seen all three of those things in a person, only in my stories
thought to myself, women like that don't exist, that's why they call this fiction
but i had to write of real love and happily ever after, like some sort of addiction
hoping that one day i would find my novel's leading lady, be it sooner than later
a happy ending is always great in literature - but in real life? got to be greater
i always describe her the same, beautiful features, a mind mature beyond its years
i would write her into my life, her purpose to dry the most silent of tears
now im realizing that maybe she isn't just a fictional character, she could be real
i pinch myself, hoping your presence isn't a mirage, give me another feel
kiss me once more, hug me tighter, rub your body against mine until we're both numb
i used to hide behind those pages of finding such a woman, now to them i shall succumb
for my perfect woman has lifted from off of those lined sheets and presented herself to me
the next story i tell, i dont need a pen or a pad - it shall be the story of us, her and me: reality.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Wale - "Diary"

spoken word - the sweetest thing i've ever heard. lets talk about the main character / Wale's crush; she isn't the stereotype, but she is definitely a beautiful woman. the emotions these two share with one another are told by the song's lyrics - really listen to this joint without watchin the video. the last verse, make it your favorite.

See all I ever want to do is be relevant,
Just tell me that I ever meant,
Anything or that you could ever see me and you in another light,

But it's like the dark winter-endures the darkest nights,
By the wrong men,
Mostly all of them,
Have made you somewhat incapable,
Of a first impression,
What I do is channel my aggression,
With no cable,
Or antenna just intentions
To impress you,
If capable,
Hoping that the material possessions can materialize a better you,
Cars-nothing I drive
Can drive better this frame of mind
With such an ugly picture in the end,
Money-Nothing I buy
Can buy me more time
For your ears to say to your heart to listen

Diamonds-A girls best friend,
Is what they say,
But believe me with the right allegiance shorty you gonna shine anyways,
And every day that goes by is a couple more lines in her diary,
The day before is better than the present,
So anyone presented in her presence,
Endures her life-sentences-

No key for release no reason to be around,
Her mind's in the clouds,
She writes it all down,
In her diary...

Thursday, May 27, 2010

the paper to my pen

I find myself in a daze, probably from that dour to various colors of haze
Lock myself in my brain, armed with a pen grenade - the magnitude makes it last for days
I want my words to stay with you, you memorize them like the words to your favorite love song
Every time I write another line, I feel certain walls falling down, others slowly protecting the vulnerable one
Because I hide behind these words, once I let you read them I'm exposed, worse UV rays from the sun
This piece I wrote special for you, wear something nice for the occasion
Or just lay in your skin, after writing your body is my next best obsession
Recognizing that this may just be lust, another crush - I may not ever really know the essence of you
Hoping that you won't be taken aback by my honesty, words are one's bond so mine can't be anything but true
So I write another line, tolerating the victim I could become, but calls myself the hero in this story
I'm transferring the nervousness and negativity into a masterpiece, one day they gonna ask if you knew him back then
You will just smile, hold on to those words I once wrote secretly for you, when I knew just what to say, way back when

Monday, May 24, 2010

soundtrack to my life

I'm super paranoid, like a sixth sense; since my pop died, I haven't been right since. - Kid Cudi

Pick my brain, try to understand why tone and personality are the way they are for a reason.
Stick around for longer than an arousal, be with me for more than just the summer, I always found that to be the prettiest and shortest season.
Look into my eyes when you address me, but don't stare for so long that I am forced to look away before you do.
Get to know what makes up my very being, let me put rest to the allegations and tell you what is true.
Like the saying goes, you win some, you lose some.
Obviously I'm the outkast, I rarely win, maybe I truly am dumb.
Academically achieving success, emotionally I pile up broken hearts - each with a different name.
I label them with their own poem before throwing them into the closet, careful to make room for the next loser in my love game.
One time I made the mistake of playing myself,
Found myself a labeled pawn upon her shelf.
I sit there now, like those have sat in my past,
Anxious to be remembered, dusted off, held again, make that old feeling last.
Tell myself that I'm just overlooked - I finally realize she isn't even looking at me
She's caught in an attraction with a more stable soul, one that doesn't use and abuse
Back to that old saying, I realize that what I once won I must now lose.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change than I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

The serenity prayer - my life. I have whispered, screamed, cried, thought these words damn near everyday. It is important for one to recognize the difference between what can and cannot be changed. I strive daily to pinpoint what aspects of my life need to be altered or transformed and what is out of my control.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Unfamiliar Territory

Its something about meeting somebody new, somebody out of the norm
You start feeling like yu still have a chance. Like love has taken new form
Find yourself daydreaming about your life minus the bullshit and wid this new addition
Smiling when yu used to cry, love replacing the hate, stability instead of constant friction
But what if the things yu despise have just taken new shape, got a different alias
Yu have been through the cycle so many times, how truly new is this?
Take a chance though - acting blind is so much better than being aware
Maybe this is what yu have been looking for - the beginning of the rest of your life, off a simple stare
Listening to the rainfall I hear the droplets whisper to me
Telling me to go for it, what's the worst that could happen, so many possibilities
So I stand at this edge, what I'm lookin down at I really don't know at all
Just don't be another reason I fall

to an old flame that blew out

eyes are the windows to the soul - i wonder if she can read me so freely
sensing the nervousness, the tension, the attraction between her and me
sometimes i look away, not because im uninterested
its a safety precaution - dont want to give away to much off rip
she doesnt need to know that im already lookin at her lips
picturing them against mine - whispering for me to never leave
other times i make sure our eyes lock - time moves slower then, listen for the tick
she smiles, then i smile - listen to the tock
snapped back into reality - there goes the looking away again
if she wants me to be that one that shes never had i can
getting to far ahead of myself - im cursing myself on the inside
finding my eyes stuck between a moment of squinting before they open back wide
i need her to learn the language of my glances - the long ones are the best
thas when im picturing what it be like to hear you ask me to undress - you first, then myself
not for a night lust - but a night of bliss simple eye contact turns into an exchanging of fantasies with each kiss
i look at her - reread her text messages, scroll through pictures, any sight is a great view
eyes are the windows to the soul - look at them
they are trying to tell you that this story is about you . . .

- 3/1/10

dear dad

i understand that sometimes a person just wont be the right one for you
but it kills when that person is your own father doesnt, want, or even care get to know you
looks of hate and pain shot at me everytime im in his presence
i am his child, his blood, sweat and tears -
from his seed i arrived - from his neglect and distanced "love" i thrived
told myself i, his own daughter would become a better man than he ever was for me
strapping my chest tighter by the day, deeping my voice by the week, i dont even need the T
im fooling everyone wid this mask, in mirrors i dont even recognize myself
ive locked away my emotions and throw them on that feminine shelf
i know his inability to provide me with a father figure may hurt me in the long run
but in the meantime im doing just fine, my cries out to him turned into motivation
i closed that chapter a long time ago - every now and then it tries to repopen
when i hear my mother scream how im just like him
now im the one loving and leaving - hitting and beating - im destined to be lonely in the end
when i changed my name, seems like i lost my ability to connect with any women
living life as if im Gods Gift to a woman, hope in the end ..
fuck that, regardless of how many hoes i keep - i wont become him, nope not Justin
ive tried so hard to remove him from my mind
forgetting his blood still runs with mine

- 2/26/10