Thursday, May 27, 2010

the paper to my pen

I find myself in a daze, probably from that dour to various colors of haze
Lock myself in my brain, armed with a pen grenade - the magnitude makes it last for days
I want my words to stay with you, you memorize them like the words to your favorite love song
Every time I write another line, I feel certain walls falling down, others slowly protecting the vulnerable one
Because I hide behind these words, once I let you read them I'm exposed, worse UV rays from the sun
This piece I wrote special for you, wear something nice for the occasion
Or just lay in your skin, after writing your body is my next best obsession
Recognizing that this may just be lust, another crush - I may not ever really know the essence of you
Hoping that you won't be taken aback by my honesty, words are one's bond so mine can't be anything but true
So I write another line, tolerating the victim I could become, but calls myself the hero in this story
I'm transferring the nervousness and negativity into a masterpiece, one day they gonna ask if you knew him back then
You will just smile, hold on to those words I once wrote secretly for you, when I knew just what to say, way back when

Monday, May 24, 2010

soundtrack to my life

I'm super paranoid, like a sixth sense; since my pop died, I haven't been right since. - Kid Cudi

Pick my brain, try to understand why tone and personality are the way they are for a reason.
Stick around for longer than an arousal, be with me for more than just the summer, I always found that to be the prettiest and shortest season.
Look into my eyes when you address me, but don't stare for so long that I am forced to look away before you do.
Get to know what makes up my very being, let me put rest to the allegations and tell you what is true.
Like the saying goes, you win some, you lose some.
Obviously I'm the outkast, I rarely win, maybe I truly am dumb.
Academically achieving success, emotionally I pile up broken hearts - each with a different name.
I label them with their own poem before throwing them into the closet, careful to make room for the next loser in my love game.
One time I made the mistake of playing myself,
Found myself a labeled pawn upon her shelf.
I sit there now, like those have sat in my past,
Anxious to be remembered, dusted off, held again, make that old feeling last.
Tell myself that I'm just overlooked - I finally realize she isn't even looking at me
She's caught in an attraction with a more stable soul, one that doesn't use and abuse
Back to that old saying, I realize that what I once won I must now lose.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change than I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

The serenity prayer - my life. I have whispered, screamed, cried, thought these words damn near everyday. It is important for one to recognize the difference between what can and cannot be changed. I strive daily to pinpoint what aspects of my life need to be altered or transformed and what is out of my control.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Unfamiliar Territory

Its something about meeting somebody new, somebody out of the norm
You start feeling like yu still have a chance. Like love has taken new form
Find yourself daydreaming about your life minus the bullshit and wid this new addition
Smiling when yu used to cry, love replacing the hate, stability instead of constant friction
But what if the things yu despise have just taken new shape, got a different alias
Yu have been through the cycle so many times, how truly new is this?
Take a chance though - acting blind is so much better than being aware
Maybe this is what yu have been looking for - the beginning of the rest of your life, off a simple stare
Listening to the rainfall I hear the droplets whisper to me
Telling me to go for it, what's the worst that could happen, so many possibilities
So I stand at this edge, what I'm lookin down at I really don't know at all
Just don't be another reason I fall

to an old flame that blew out

eyes are the windows to the soul - i wonder if she can read me so freely
sensing the nervousness, the tension, the attraction between her and me
sometimes i look away, not because im uninterested
its a safety precaution - dont want to give away to much off rip
she doesnt need to know that im already lookin at her lips
picturing them against mine - whispering for me to never leave
other times i make sure our eyes lock - time moves slower then, listen for the tick
she smiles, then i smile - listen to the tock
snapped back into reality - there goes the looking away again
if she wants me to be that one that shes never had i can
getting to far ahead of myself - im cursing myself on the inside
finding my eyes stuck between a moment of squinting before they open back wide
i need her to learn the language of my glances - the long ones are the best
thas when im picturing what it be like to hear you ask me to undress - you first, then myself
not for a night lust - but a night of bliss simple eye contact turns into an exchanging of fantasies with each kiss
i look at her - reread her text messages, scroll through pictures, any sight is a great view
eyes are the windows to the soul - look at them
they are trying to tell you that this story is about you . . .

- 3/1/10

dear dad

i understand that sometimes a person just wont be the right one for you
but it kills when that person is your own father doesnt, want, or even care get to know you
looks of hate and pain shot at me everytime im in his presence
i am his child, his blood, sweat and tears -
from his seed i arrived - from his neglect and distanced "love" i thrived
told myself i, his own daughter would become a better man than he ever was for me
strapping my chest tighter by the day, deeping my voice by the week, i dont even need the T
im fooling everyone wid this mask, in mirrors i dont even recognize myself
ive locked away my emotions and throw them on that feminine shelf
i know his inability to provide me with a father figure may hurt me in the long run
but in the meantime im doing just fine, my cries out to him turned into motivation
i closed that chapter a long time ago - every now and then it tries to repopen
when i hear my mother scream how im just like him
now im the one loving and leaving - hitting and beating - im destined to be lonely in the end
when i changed my name, seems like i lost my ability to connect with any women
living life as if im Gods Gift to a woman, hope in the end ..
fuck that, regardless of how many hoes i keep - i wont become him, nope not Justin
ive tried so hard to remove him from my mind
forgetting his blood still runs with mine

- 2/26/10